The Fat Nasty – Stagolee’s

Hall of Slime

The Fat Nasty. What is it, you may ask? What disgustingly awesome dish could possibly warrant being called something as offensive and harsh as this?

Perhaps it’s best to look straight at the source. Check out Stagolee’s brunch menu entry:

When I see that in a menu, all of a sudden the ‘what to order’ decision has been made for me. You really can’t make stuff like this up. If that sounds gross, well… It’s because it is. And I don’t say that lightly. The chicken is fried to perfection, the gravy (more like bread sauce?) is thick, creamy and dense, and the biscuit on both ends is caloric enough to make you wonder: should this be shared?

Reality check: It shouldn’t be shared. As it’s motherflippin’ delicious. Just check your arteries on your way out fr traces of gravy.

Slimy? The Fat Nasty lives up to its name. And then some.

Satisfying? Incredibly fattening, and incredibly succulent

 

Stagolee’s
453 North End Rd, London SW6 1NZ
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jerk chicken rum kitchen portobello boneless

Rum Kitchen – Jerk Bowl

Hall of Slime

There ain’t nothing wrong with a little bit of bone. After all, the art of eating chicken is forever paired with messy hands and slippery bone structures. But sometimes, a man must be lazy, and order a massive (i.e. gigantic) portion of boneless chicken to truly understand the meaning of life.

jerk chicken rum kitchen portobello boneless

And yes, my life is THAT simple. It can be explained with a big bowl of jerk chicken, like Rum Kitchen’s massive culinary feast, the Jerk Bowl. Comes in 3 and 5 piece (guess which one I ordered), and with the usual caribbean trimmings of rice & peas, slaw, and… errr…watermelon and pineapple? (not the only place with a watermelon fetish)

jerk chicken rum kitchen portobello boneless

No need to go into how big this bowl actually is, or even if it is intended for one person (it isn’t only a madman like yours truly would eat this on his own). But it sure is delightful. Also quite spicy. Like good jerk should be. But more importantly, the chicken is delicious, tender and oh so easy to eat. Pair it with some groovy rum cocktails, and it’s gonna be a breezy night out.

Life is good when one is lazy. Life is good with chicken at hand. Chicken and laziness. That is life in a nutshell.

 

Slimy? No bones means less slime. Still, slimy as f***

Satisfying? I’m still full two weeks after having this jerky bowl.

 

Rum Kitchen
6-8 All Saints Road, London W11 1HH
www.therumkitchen.com
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Falafel King – Hummus and Falafel in a Pita

Hall of Slime

England has a fascination with royalty. The Queen is still a thing, even if she might not do much nowadays. Buckingham Palace is still hoarded by tourists on a daily basis. And the Falafel King rules over West London.

falafel king portobello road hummus hummous west london

The wha… The Falafel King?! Who is this man, that claims to be ruler of the kingdom and master of all things related to hummus and fried chickpea balls? Nobody knows. It’s a most guarded secret.

falafel king portobello road hummus hummous west london

Yet I don’t care, as the Hummous and Falafel in a Pita served at Falafel King would be considered majestic anywhere in the Middle East. A large serving of balls, coupled by creamy hummus and salad, will end your hunger in a heartbeat, and will make you pledge your allegiance to the kingdom. The falafel kingdom, that is.

 

Slimy? That hummus won’t clean itself. Bring napkins.

Satisfying? Long live the Falafel King!

 

Falafel King
274 Portobello Rd, London W10 5TE
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boom burger bacon jam cheeseburger west london portobello road

Boom Burger – Boom Burger

Burgertown

Just two words. Bacon jam. This piece could end right there and if that’s not enough to convince you to try Boom Burger’s signature burger, then nothing will.

boom burger bacon jam cheeseburger west london portobello road

A deliciously cooked patty, covered in cheese (seriously, it’s COVERED in cheese) and topped with this surely magical and potentially deadly baconized jam, the Boom Burger is exactly what it name implies: an explosion of flavour.

boom burger bacon jam cheeseburger west london portobello road

So brave the crowds. Go past the Portobello Road tourons (tourists+morons=tourons). You won’t find peace at Boom Burger. But you will find satisfaction.

 

Slimy? COVERED in cheese. Yes.

Satisfying? This is one boombastic burger.

 

Boom Burger
272 Portobello Rd, London W10 5TZ
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Sacro Cuore - Calzone Ripieno pizza italian kensal rise london food

Sacro Cuore – Calzone Ripieno and Diavola Pizza

Pizzburgh

Sisters. They can be a great or a terrible thing. Depending on how old they are, you’re either protecting them or… overprotecting them. At least so I hear, as I have no sisters.

But Ealing’s Santa Maria Pizzeria, already featured in this very blog, has one. It’s another tiny restaurant, this time in Kensal Rise, by the name of Sacro Cuore. Like a good sister, it shares some attributes. Same genes, if you will. They both serve outstanding, beautiful pizza.

Take these two dishes (what can I say? I’m a sharer!): on one side, the Calzone Ripieno, a delicious calzone style pizza filled with prosciutto, ricotta, mozzarella, salame and other stuff. What a delight. It’s a flavour bomb, all enclosed in the tight womb of delicious dough.

Sacro Cuore - Calzone Ripieno pizza italian kensal rise london food

Looks so perfect from afar…

Sacro Cuore - Calzone Ripieno pizza italian kensal rise london food

But look closer to see the cracks!

And on the other hand, a more traditional Pizza Diavola, with your usual assortment of salame, mozza and some very spicy chillies. A triumph, and it’s pizza as good as its Ealing sister’s.

Sacro Cuore - pizza diavola pizza italian kensal rise london food

The view from the top

Sacro Cuore - pizza diavola pizza italian kensal rise london food

Fire red!

Since I’m all about brotherly love, I salute how these two sister sites can coexist so close to each other (both in West London after all). Here’s hoping their parents get back in the sack and make a few more children, as I wouldn’t mind one of these popping everywhere in London!

 

Slimy? Both the Calzone and the Diavola are equally slimy, in just the right amount

Satisfying? This is some truly, holy pizza. Praying won’t get you a better slice.

 

Sacro Cuore
45 Chamberlayne Road, London NW10 3NB
http://www.sacrocuore.co.uk/
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Porchetta & Grill - Not So Small Porchetta Panini portobello road west london pork sandwich

Porchetta & Grill – Not So Small Porchetta Panini

Hall of Slime

New job, new location, new food. That’s my thought process whenever I land a new job. And after a few years working in “not so glamorous” Soho, I’ve started a new gig in West London, a few minutes away from Portobello Road, its famous market and its accompanying tourist infestation.

Porchetta & Grill - Not So Small Porchetta Panini portobello road west london pork sandwich

Going sideways

So you’ll see loads of new places pop up here within the area. Which is not a bad thing, specially with the likes of Porcetta & Grill, with its delightful pressed sandwiches. Porcetta is a special Italian pork preparation, and when cooked well, it leads the charge for a succulent lunch. And it comes in two sizes, with the Not So Small being, well, massive.

Porchetta & Grill - Not So Small Porchetta Panini portobello road west london pork sandwich

After a few bites

So come say hi if you’re westbound. Maybe I’ll take you for some Porcetta. Unless you don’t like good things. In which case: stay as far away from me as possible.

 

Slimy? A sandwich this big should not be able to hold its stuff as well as this one does

Satisfying? Perfect for the coming summer afternoons. Just don’t eat it while standing on Portobello Road: you’ll be constantly bumped by tourons (i.e. tourist morons) for sure

 

Porchetta & Grill
Markets in London, check their Facebook for location
http://www.porchettandgrill.com/
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Cockney’s Pie and Mash - Pie and Mash west London British food traditional

Cockney’s Pie and Mash – Pie and Mash

Hall of Slime

It’s surprising I haven’t written more about British cuisine. After all, most of the British delights are inherently slimy. Or greasy. Still no Fish and Chips post. Maybe I’m losing my focus. Maybe Fish and Chips is just not that special. Who knows.

Cockney’s Pie and Mash - Pie and Mash west London British food traditional

Two balls is all that’s needed

But there’s more to England than fried fish and potatoes. And the more in this case is the very traditional Pie and Mash. Traditional in style, slimy by nature. And that’s what you get at Cockney’s Pie and Mash shop just a bit further north from the tourist infested Portobello Market. An old looking, clearly family run restaurant, it oozes character.

Cockney’s Pie and Mash - Pie and Mash west London British food traditional

This should be on Pound notes

To the uninitiated, here’s how it goes: you get a meat pie, choose how many balls of mashed potatoes you want, and then you get asked if you want liquor sauce on top. To this question, you must answer yes, in order to reach slimy nirvana. A dish so juicy and drippy, that it HAS to be eaten with a spoon.

Cockney’s Pie and Mash - Pie and Mash west London British food traditional

Close encounters of the gross kind

This is as simple and traditional as it gets in the UK, and it easily qualifies as one of the most engrossing (emphasis on the gross) dining experiences I’ve had so far. Don’t believe those naysayers that say that British food is bad. Filthy, maybe. But also delightfully tasty.

Cockney’s Pie and Mash - Pie and Mash west London British food traditional

A spoonful of pie and mash makes the medicine go down

 

Slimy? If I wasn’t in a Pie and Mash shop I would find it hard to believe this was edible

Satisfying? Looks are deceiving is exactly right for this piece of British food history

 

Cockney’s Pie and Mash
314 Portobello Road, London W10 5RU
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Cafe Phillies - Benedict Mamma Mia poached eggs ham salmon spinach west london

Cafe Phillies – Benedict Mamma Mia

Hall of Slime

What to choose… What to choose… Eggs Florentine? Eggs Benedict? Eggs Royale? Such a hard choice… What do I want my eggs with? Salmon? Spinach? Ham?

Cafe Phillies - Benedict Mamma Mia poached eggs ham salmon spinach west london

Why can’t we be friends?

Screw it. Let’s get them all in one. Introducing Cafe Phillies incredible solution to the very first world problem of how to have eggs for brunch: the Benedict Mamma Mia. Combining some expertly poached eggs with ALL THREE of the famous Benedict options (there’s apparently many more, but hey, three is more than enough), this gorgeous looking tower of breakfast food is everything you could ask for in a brunch.

Cafe Phillies - Benedict Mamma Mia poached eggs ham salmon spinach west london

Beauty from every angle

Why go spinach when you can go salmon? Why go salmon when you can go ham? Sometimes it’s just best to go with them all. Let the ingredients be friends instead of enemies, and just enjoy one delicious brunch alternative in the middle of posh London. Do come hungry, as it’s a hearty one!

Cafe Phillies - Benedict Mamma Mia poached eggs ham salmon spinach west london

Open sesame!

 

Slimy? There’s just so much more to this than just eggs, it’s a given it will be a bit messy

Satisfying? The more, the merrier! Spinach, salmon and ham join forces!

 

Cafe Phillies
2A Phillimore Gardens, London W8 7QB
http://cafephillies.co.uk/
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Bodo’s Schloss – Veal Wiener Schnitzel

Uncategorized

Nothing beats going to the apres lodge after a good, long day of skiing. You’re tired, hungry, and ready for some well deserved food and a nice, refreshing beer. So who cares if there’s no skiing (or snow) in London. There’s a ski lodge, several actually, and one of them is Bodo’s Schloss.

Tucked in next to Hyde Park in Kensington High Street, Bodo’s mimics an apres ski lodge perfectly: with wooden walls and floors, big glasses of beer, terrible taste in music (emphasis on the terrible) and great austrian cuisine.

How cute! It comes in a pan! You can burn yourself! Bodo's Schloss - Veal Wiener Schnitzel Austrian food

How cute! It comes in a pan! You can burn yourself!

I went for the absolute Austrian classic: the Veal Wiener Schnitzel. Not only was this thing big, it was authentic. A long time ago I visited Austria, and that trip rushed back to mind as soon as I tried this schnitzel, coupled with sauerkraut and potato salad. All of a sudden, it did feel as though I had been skiing all day (in reality, I had been drinking all day, but that’s a sport in the UK, right?).

After a nice meal, some “on the house” shots that came served on a set of skis, plenty of pints and an expensive bill (it is Kensington after all), I was ready to call it a day. Had to wake up early to ski once more…

 

Slimy? Massive meat portion equals a reasonably messy dish.

Satisfying? This Austrian popup surprised me with how authentic their schnitzel tasted. Das gut.

 

Bodo’s Schloss
2a Kensington High Street, London W8 4PT
Website
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