There’s something truly glorious about a North American breakfast. Dousing pancakes with deliciously gooey syrup is probably the most soothing way to start the day.
Stoke Newington brunch destination The Parlour knows this all too well. Which is why they have a whole section of the menu dedicated to the art of the American pancake. And since they have one with meat on it, well, it’s an easy choice to make (they do have one with Nutella as well… maybe for my next visit).
The USA Meaty comes with a stack of fluffy pancakes, fried egg, some bacon, hash browns, cumberland sausages and a pot of shiny and sticky maple syrup to bathe it all in. This isn’t glamorous, ladies and gentlemen, but it is incredibly caloric and delicious.
So, bid adieu to all those permutations of eggs benedict. There is a choice. And that choice will fill you up and leave you incapacitated for the rest of the day. Exactly what a good brunch should do.
Slimy? It’s greasy meat doused with syrup. It’s slime ON slime.
Satisfying? So much so, that maybe eggs benedict should also come with syrup. Mhhhh…
167 Stoke Newington Church St, London N16 0UL
Now, now. Before you start thinking “this guy has gone all vegan on us”, please remember the first rule of food: if it includes avocado, it deserves a second look.
The whole family together
Plus, this isn’t my first rodeo when it comes to the magical foodie adventure that is eating a Breakfast in Bread from The Barge House. Last time was The Original, so this time, something had to change. And change it did. I ordered The Vegetarian.
The asparagus don’t even fit inside!
This is one big round loaf of bread, stuffed inside with everything from tomatoes, spinach, leeks, mushrooms, “why does my pee smell like this” asparagus, GLORIOUS AVOCADO and closed off with an egg. Blissful stuff.
The insides of the beast
It’s one of those meals that has to be eaten to be believed. So waste no more time. This place is popular enough already, being packed at 11am. So go quickly. Try a Breakfast in Bread. And be happy. Forever.
Slimy? Yup. As slimy as The Original. Only healthier. Maybe.
Satisfying? It’s the second time I’ve tried the Breakfast in Bread. Need any more clues as to how good it is?
The Barge House
46a De Beauvoir Crescent, London N1 5RY
What to choose… What to choose… Eggs Florentine? Eggs Benedict? Eggs Royale? Such a hard choice… What do I want my eggs with? Salmon? Spinach? Ham?
Why can’t we be friends?
Screw it. Let’s get them all in one. Introducing Cafe Phillies incredible solution to the very first world problem of how to have eggs for brunch: the Benedict Mamma Mia. Combining some expertly poached eggs with ALL THREE of the famous Benedict options (there’s apparently many more, but hey, three is more than enough), this gorgeous looking tower of breakfast food is everything you could ask for in a brunch.
Beauty from every angle
Why go spinach when you can go salmon? Why go salmon when you can go ham? Sometimes it’s just best to go with them all. Let the ingredients be friends instead of enemies, and just enjoy one delicious brunch alternative in the middle of posh London. Do come hungry, as it’s a hearty one!
Slimy? There’s just so much more to this than just eggs, it’s a given it will be a bit messy
Satisfying? The more, the merrier! Spinach, salmon and ham join forces!
2A Phillimore Gardens, London W8 7QB
Disclaimer: this dish is NOT called “The Brunch Tower”. That’s a creative liberty I took, since the name on the menu, “Smashed avocado, poached eggs, herbed feta & roasted tomato served with sourdough toast” doesn’t appeal to the internet masses, and doesn’t have the same ring to it. So don’t ask for a Brunch Tower at the restaurant. They might think you’re mad. Or at least delusional.
An architectural masterpiece
With that out of the way, let’s talk about how awesome Well Street Kitchen is. I had to wait quite a bit to get a seat, but that allowed me to see all dishes in the menu come out of the kitchen. And suddenly, a waitress comes out with this monster of a brunch, which just screamed at me as if I was the chosen one. “You must face the tower. The Brunch Tower”.
And so it crumbles…
What choice did I have? This smorgasbord of healthy goodness was staring right at me, in all its easy to topple gooeyness. Perfectly poached eggs, enough avocado to feed all of Mexico for a year, huge roasted tomatoes and cheesy feta… all on top of some well hidden pieces of toast. Big. Huge. Tasty. Healthy. BHTH.
Ooze away, you beautiful thing
Can you go big and healthy? You can. And you will. The tower commands it.
Slimy? I really tried to keep it steady, but this tower will topple almost instantly. And that’s how it should be.
Satisfying? It takes a great thing for me to approve a veggie dish. This tower is that good.
Well Street Kitchen
203 Well St, London E9 6QU
“£3.50? For a doughnut? Why would anyone in their right mind pay £3.50 for a doughnut!? Are you mad?!” is what I was telling myself while I walked on a cold summer morning towards Crosstown Doughnuts in Soho. What could possibly be so good, so incredibly delicious about a doughnut to validate such an expense?
“It better be a damn good doughnut” I thought. And there I was, in Broadwick St, browsing through their eclectic doughnut selection. After several weird looking and sounding flavors, one of them spoke to me and said “I am worthy, I am worthy!”. Curious (and possibly going insane, voices in my head and all), I chose said doughnut, and paid the hefty £3.50 price tag.
One bite later…
Don’t get carried away by how disgusting that picture looks (it’s a masterpiece). The only way to convey the deliciousness of this candy coated, vanilla style Creme Brûlée filled doughnut marvel is to take a picture after it’s liquid center starts oozing out. And what a sugary punch it was. Mixing a great French dessert with a classic breakfast staple is a genius move, and feels like the French should learn a lesson or two on how to serve their desserts in the future. Perhaps doughnut macarons are next?
So go to Crosstown. Cry a little bit on how much you’ll spend, because chances are, you’ll buy more than one… But your palate will be more than pleased.
Slimy? Seriously, just look at that picture. Then remember that this thing is FRIED. That’s enough said.
Satisfying? Homer Simpson would be jealous that they don’t serve doughnuts like this in Springfield.
4 Broadwick St, London, Greater London, W1F 8HJ (and other locations around town)
How many English breakfasts can you have before getting tired of them? A proper brit would say “It’s impossible to get tired, you twat”. But I’m no true brit. I was tired of them. I didn’t think I wanted any more of the extremely caloric and intense experience that is the full English.
And then I went to The Barge House in the ridiculously nicknamed “Haggerston Riviera”. They serve a most curious thing: a full English, INSIDE a bun. Like a ticking bomb of artery clotting goodness, this ball shaped work of art seems easy and simple to eat. But one bite and you realise it could take a while. Coming packed with everything from cumberland sausage to mushrooms to spinach, and topped with a beautiful crown of an egg, this delicatessen will stop your heart. But it will start up back again, because it tastes so good.
Tick tock. Tick tock. BOOM!
So yeah, cry all you want, and go ahead and complain that it isn’t truly a full English breakfast (no beans, no style and blah blah). Truth is, I’ll take this any day of the week. I’ll try that, so expect me to be dead in seven days.
Slimy? One stab at this blob, and it will start oozing all sorts of delicious liquids, and you’ll try to keep them from messing up the table as they spread through the unorthodox wooden boards/plates
Satisfying? I’m thinking more things should come inside a bun. Perhaps pasta in a bun would be nice.
The Barge House
46a De Beauvoir Crescent, London, N1 5RY