Tramshed – House Farm Chicken

Hall of Slime

Nando’s ain’t the only place you can get a full chicken at. And it’s certainly not the coolest. And it certainly doesn’t have a cow in formaldehyde floating above the dining hall.

At Tramshed, one of HIX’s several restaurants across the capital, you can get your fix of inordinate amounts of chicken, with a presentation that’s as savoury as it is filthy. Kind of what we’re all about here anyways.

Once this perfectly cooked bird arrives to your table, complete with succulent stuffing and a hearthy dose of chips, you’ll never go back to ordering ¼ or ½ chicken ever again. Full chicken is the way to go, regardless of how many people you’re sharing with.

Slimy? Straight from the oven to your table, this thing is shinyyyyyy

Satisfying? Tastes as good as roasted chicken can possibly taste

 

Tramshed
32 Rivington St, London, EC2A 3LX
http://www.hixrestaurants.co.uk/restaurant/tramshed/
Foursquare

Bayrische Schlachtplatte – Stein’s

Hall of Slime

Back to Stein’s for a second round (following last year’s schnitzel), I followed the rule of sequels: must be bigger, badder and more expensive. All of which their bavarian sharing platter for two easily fulfills.

Served with enough sausages to build your own sausage train, and an literal mountain of potato mash and sauerkraut (one can never have enough sauerkraut), the Bayrische Schlachtplatte is Bavarian excess at its best. Or worst. Or… WURST.

I’m so sorry about that. I know it’s early in the year and you did not need to read such a terrible pun. Please forgive me. Or at least take my advice, call a hungry friend, meet at Stein’s in Kingston and order this smorgasbord of deliciousness.

 

Slimy? Just look at it and tell me you don’t instantly feel like taking a shower

Satisfying? It’s so much food and so good, you’ll forgive any puns I have made or will make in perpetuity.

 

Stein’s

56 High Street, Kingston upon Thames, KT1 1HN

http://www.stein-s.com/

Foursquare

The Fat Nasty – Stagolee’s

Hall of Slime

The Fat Nasty. What is it, you may ask? What disgustingly awesome dish could possibly warrant being called something as offensive and harsh as this?

Perhaps it’s best to look straight at the source. Check out Stagolee’s brunch menu entry:

When I see that in a menu, all of a sudden the ‘what to order’ decision has been made for me. You really can’t make stuff like this up. If that sounds gross, well… It’s because it is. And I don’t say that lightly. The chicken is fried to perfection, the gravy (more like bread sauce?) is thick, creamy and dense, and the biscuit on both ends is caloric enough to make you wonder: should this be shared?

Reality check: It shouldn’t be shared. As it’s motherflippin’ delicious. Just check your arteries on your way out fr traces of gravy.

Slimy? The Fat Nasty lives up to its name. And then some.

Satisfying? Incredibly fattening, and incredibly succulent

 

Stagolee’s
453 North End Rd, London SW6 1NZ
Website
Foursquare

smokestak beef brisket usa bbq shoreditch

Smokestak – Beef Brisket

Hall of Slime

Never has so little caused as big an impact.

Brisket is, by definition, a gift from the gods, no matter where you have it. But when I ordered my beef brisket from Smokestak at a non-irrelevant £11.5, I was certainly expecting something bigger or, dare I say it, meatier.

smokestak beef brisket usa bbq shoreditch

But as wise men know, size isn’t everything. Taste is. And boy does this meat taste good. Tender as can be, and full of delicious, meaty flavour, the beef brisket at Smokestak is smart to be such a small plate: it cannot realistically be shared. A good thing, since you will NOT want to share it.

smokestak beef brisket usa bbq shoreditch

Coupled with some ‘mustard bbq’ sauce (Is it mustard? Is it BBQ sauce? Who cares!), and served in an ever-so-hipsterish tray, the taste will remain in your tastebuds for long. Or at least for the few seconds before you realise you desperately need to order another round.

 

Slimy? A slice of juicy juicy meat, with juicy juicy sauce. Slime galore.

Satisfying? Why art thou so small, you beautiful brisket thing?!?

 

Smokestak
35 Sclater St, London E1 6LB
https://smokestak.co.uk
Foursquare

Monty’s Deli – Meshuggener

Hall of Slime

How quickly they grow up… From the humble beginnings of what looked like a hangar by Maltby St Market, I’ve seen Monty’s Deli grow from ‘the little Deli that could’ to a full blown restaurant in Dalston. Not my first of their sandwiches, you see.

But has the move to hipster-London damaged it’s succulent, ridiculously massive meals of ginormous proportions? Not in the least. If anything, these sandwiches have gotten bigger and better.

Case in point, the Meshuggener: a smorgasbord consisting of salt beef, pastrami AND chopped liver. Yes, the three-meat trifecta. With the usual coleslaw and rye bread to boot. Boom. Nothing can prepare you for this tower of a sandwich. Which makes sense, since meshuggener means crazy in the old language of Yiddish.

All in nicer surroundings and blah blah. But who cares really. This is all about being a delicious Deli. And in that, Monty’s Deli is still London’s Deli king.

 

Slimy? Three meats with some measly rye bread to hold it? Good luck with that.

Satisfying? Like eating 7 meals in one. Try counting the calories of this monster.

 

Monty’s Deli
227-229 Hoxton St, London N1 5LG
http://www.montys-deli.com
Foursquare

cookie dough naked dough oreo london

Naked Dough – Flavoured Dough

Hall of Slime

This place, Naked Dough, sells cookie dough. That’s it. How was this not a thing before, I’m not entirely sure. It’s always been clear that cookie dough is the best. From being Ben n Jerry’s best ice cream flavour (I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise) to turning into magnificent cookies, cookie dough is just wonderful.

cookie dough naked dough oreo london

So along comes Naked Dough, a place that looks like an ice cream shop, feels like an ice cream shop, but has no ice cream. Just different flavours of cookie dough. At first it’s strange since one expects this to be cold. It isn’t. Again, this isn’t ice cream: it’s cookie dough. Then one expects it to go down easy. But how can it possibly go down easy if this is as gooey and sugary as anything you’ll ever have.

cookie dough naked dough oreo london

Which is not to say this is not delicious. It is. Fantastically so. Just be warned: a taste of this and you’ll understand what thickness means in a dessert. So go ahead: get some dough. Just be sure to share it, you won’t be able to finish a tub (I couldn’t, shame on me…).

 

Slimy? Uncooked cookie dough. So yeah. Very icky stuff.

Satisfying? It packs a punch, but cookie dough parlours are a thing now. What a glorious time to be alive.

 

Naked Dough
Old Street Underground, London EC1Y 1BE
https://www.naked-dough.co.uk/
Foursquare

mexican mestizo molcajete

Molcajete ‘Mestizo’ – Mestizo

Hall of Slime

Tacos, tacos, tacos… burrito, burrito, burrito. With so many mexican joints everywhere, why is it that those are the only options that always spring to mind when it comes to Mexican food? I mean, they’re delicious and nasty, but what about the rest? Is there more to Mexico than tortillas?

There is. In what is likely to be the most authentic Mexican restaurant in London (as told by actual mexicans), Mestizo has a menu with so many options that aren’t tortilla based, that it puts other Mexican joints to shame. And on top of them all lies the Molcajete ‘Mestizo’.

mexican mestizo molcajete

It makes quite a splashy entrance, as it comes in a stone bowl filled with beef, chicken, cheese, chorizo, onions, cilantro, avocado, salsa… I could keep going, but you already can tell this is one filthy dish. So deliciously messy, that it’ll make you think twice about ordering those tequila shots afterwards as you’ll want the taste of this beautiful mess to remain in your palate longer.

mexican mestizo molcajete

Oh, and yes, it also comes with tortillas. But what did you expect, it is Mexican after all…

 

Slimy? Once you mix it all, it certainly looks like you won’t survive the meal

Satisfying? Look into this stone bowl, and you’ll see deep into your soul. That’s how good it is.

 

Mestizo
103 Hampstead Road, London NW1 3EL
http://london.mestizomx.com/
Foursquare

jerk chicken rum kitchen portobello boneless

Rum Kitchen – Jerk Bowl

Hall of Slime

There ain’t nothing wrong with a little bit of bone. After all, the art of eating chicken is forever paired with messy hands and slippery bone structures. But sometimes, a man must be lazy, and order a massive (i.e. gigantic) portion of boneless chicken to truly understand the meaning of life.

jerk chicken rum kitchen portobello boneless

And yes, my life is THAT simple. It can be explained with a big bowl of jerk chicken, like Rum Kitchen’s massive culinary feast, the Jerk Bowl. Comes in 3 and 5 piece (guess which one I ordered), and with the usual caribbean trimmings of rice & peas, slaw, and… errr…watermelon and pineapple? (not the only place with a watermelon fetish)

jerk chicken rum kitchen portobello boneless

No need to go into how big this bowl actually is, or even if it is intended for one person (it isn’t only a madman like yours truly would eat this on his own). But it sure is delightful. Also quite spicy. Like good jerk should be. But more importantly, the chicken is delicious, tender and oh so easy to eat. Pair it with some groovy rum cocktails, and it’s gonna be a breezy night out.

Life is good when one is lazy. Life is good with chicken at hand. Chicken and laziness. That is life in a nutshell.

 

Slimy? No bones means less slime. Still, slimy as f***

Satisfying? I’m still full two weeks after having this jerky bowl.

 

Rum Kitchen
6-8 All Saints Road, London W11 1HH
www.therumkitchen.com
Foursquare

Carioca – Favela Cantagalo

Hall of Slime

The Brazil World Cup has come and gone. The Rio Olympics have as well. So what’s left for Brazil to celebrate and show the world how great they are?

Beef. Mountains of it. Pulled beef to be precise. Like the beef featured on the ginormous Favela Cantagalo, a towering, mouthwatering dish prepared by the Brazillian cuisine experts at Carioca. Located in the heart of Brixton Village (or Market, who knows really), this is a daunting insight into Latin American flavours.

Delicate pulled beef, cabbage and other veggies, all topped with banana and “things I don’t understand” like cassava, this “thing” might not make much sense upon first sight, but trust me, it’s an absolutely perfect mix of a dish.

So turns out that while Brazil might not have any more soon to come sporting events, maybe they should be looking into competitive eating. If they do, sign me up, please.

 

Slimy? Careful with this one, it’ll crumble at first touch. Beatifully crumbly.

Satisfying? Each bite packs a hearty punch of delicious Brazilian identity. Come hungry!

 

Carioca
25-27 Market Row, London SW9 8LB
http://www.cariocabrixton.com
Foursquare

fried chicken Chick 'n' Sours House Fry haggerston

Chick ‘n’ Sours – House Fry

Hall of Slime

It’s like in The Godfather: once you’re out, they pull you back in. That’s how and why I end up coming back to a place. Because when after the first time it was such a ridiculous attack on the culinary senses, I just had to try what else this palace to all that is chicken and fried had to offer. At least I was cool enough to go before they expanded to Soho.

fried chicken Chick 'n' Sours House Fry haggerston

And back here we are, again at Chick ‘n’ Sours. This time not for the crazy, coma inducing burgers, but for their signature dish, the House Fry. Which, incidentally, is also very much crazy and coma inducing. Two massive, expertly fried pieces of tender and still moist chicken, accompanied with watermelon slices (yes, I didn’t understand the fruit either, but… it kind of works?). The crunchiness and texture of the fried chicken skin is unparalleled, and will make you instantly regret every single visit to every chicken shop EVER. Which is expected, I guess, when they actually sell pieces of skin as appetizers. Go figure.

fried chicken Chick 'n' Sours House Fry haggerston

Can I give any more praise than being a repeat costumer? Yes. I could be a threepeat costumer. Guess I’ll have to come back for the Whole Fry Sunday

 

Slimy? Go on. Get dirty. Use your hands. The fork will just slow you down. And do eat ALL the skin. It’s allowed and endorsed.

Satisfying? So good even the Chicken Connoisseur would approve.

 

Chick ‘n’ Sours
390 Kingsland Rd, London, E8 2AA
http://www.chicknsours.co.uk/
Foursquare